


Sweet Like Cherry Wine

by Pink_Peony



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Action, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Cheating, Christmas, Coffee Shops, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Meet-Cute, Mentions of Violence, Smut, all the feels, but no graphic depictions of violence except a smack on the head, protective Lukas, sassy Philip, there's even a cabin scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 05:44:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13047693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_Peony/pseuds/Pink_Peony
Summary: Lukas has to go to the city to meet sponsors. He hates the city; it smells awful there, and it's too far away. He'd rather stay in bed with Rose and cuddle close.Being the food monster that we all know he is, he has to get something to eat before he heads home, and that's when he meets Philip, a sassy, hot boy who knows how to charm him. Lukas falls in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jameee25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jameee25/gifts).



> This is a philkas Secret Santa gift exchange fic for clearlylostmymind - jameee25
> 
> You listed five prompts:
> 
> 1)Post coming out, Lukas has to deal with blatant homophobia (not from Bo)  
> 2)Long distance relationship (Philip goes to college, Lukas does the circuit)  
> 3)PTSD support group meet-cute  
> 4)Both are fanboys who meet through tumblr (maybe collaborating on a challenge?)  
> 5)Both cheating with their gf/bf with each other (it needs to have a happy ending
> 
> I chose number 5.
> 
> I put a lot of work into this fic because I know what an excellent writer you are. Keep in mind that English is not my primary language and it hasn't been beta'd, so any errors in grammar and vocabulary are all mine (but I'm a petit-maître - a pedant, so I'm hoping for perfection on this one lol).
> 
> I hope this is what you were looking for and that it'll be a nice christmas gift for you, albeit it is rather long...It was supposed to be a coffe shop AU, but the characters led me beyond, and then they wouldn't shut up or stop interacting and this fic became this epic little story that will hopefully fulfill your cravings.
> 
>  _This is the fic you're looking for_ (I'm secretly a jedi, shhh)
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it, because I really did :)
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT!!!
> 
> The archive fucked up while posting and wouldn't let me update a few errors, and kept aborting the story at the first text message Lukas sends to Philip, so I had to be creative. I had no choice but to make this a chaptered fic just to get it all in there. I'M SO SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE FOR ANYONE READING. It should be ok now although it doesn't look as I wanted it to and that saddens me. I'll try to make some edits around the visual presentation later.

Lukas wakes up at six o’clock in the morning to meet a sponsor in the city at nine. Rose is still asleep when he leaves, her lips parted and hair spread out on the pillow. He envies her. Just wants to get back under the covers.

The drive isn’t too bad. The weather is clear but the roads aren’t, so he’s borrowed Dad’s truck. Driving a car instead of the bike is a good choice. The car is warm and he’s got coffee. Everything’s okay. Lukas yawns. Thank God he’s almost there.

-

When the meeting’s over, he just feels so fucking tired. He knows he’ll have to do the same damn thing all over again, until one of the companies decides to sponsor him, whether it is driving to the city or meeting them in Tivoli. Lukas isn’t really good at speaking in public, and having to contact potential sponsors on his own is super scary. But Dad told him he’d have to do the work himself. It’s the only way to learn, he said. Since motocross is the one thing he cares about, he really doesn’t have a choice.

Any other Saturday morning he would still be in bed cuddling Rose. Or maybe he’d be sitting at the kitchen table watching Dad make coffee before they both head out to work on the farm; feeding the turkeys, chopping wood…trying to fix that damn old tractor of his. Anything would’ve been better than the city.

New York smells funny. It’s not like Tivoli; not at all. Tivoli smells like hay bales, freshly cut grass, mud, and strawberry ice cream all summer. In winter, the air is cold and pure and the only scents tickling his nostrils are nature’s own, gasoline, and the one seeping out the bakery door every time someone goes through it, especially now in December when there are freshly baked Christmas goods on display on the counter and pumpkin spice is still a thing even if fall is officially over.

New York is a mix of so many different tangs Lukas has trouble distinguishing them. There are odd smells in the air, coming from everywhere. On his right hand side as he walks down the street, is a Burger King, and the rancid smell of fatty food is overwhelming. His stomach turns and makes weird noises. He’s really hungry but a burger isn’t what he’s after at ten in the morning. Down the alley behind the Burger King, Lukas spots three large trash cans and they smell even worse and from afar, like something dragged outta hell. _Ugh_.

On his left across the street there’s a Chinese restaurant. It smells good but it’s too early; maybe some other time.

It’s freezing cold outside. Last night’s snowfall made the drive here just bearable. Lukas wants to go home as soon as possible but he’s so god damn hungry. He was damn stupid not to eat breakfast before he left in the early hours of the morning. He keeps walking, cold hands digging into his jacket pockets and eventually, among a book store, a dry cleaner and a tattoo shop he finds something interesting. 

Mud, the sign says. The exterior looks old and rough but there’s a delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee seeping through the open door as a customer leaves. Lukas decides this is the place.

-

There’s a couple sitting at a table by the window enjoying breakfast, and an old man by the counter. Lukas seems to be the only other person in here. He looks around.

The walls are entirely made of bricks, and there’s also a brick fireplace although it’s not in use. Fairy lights are strung up along the mantelpiece and there’s a table right in front of it. It looks homely. The counter is filled with chocolate, coffee beans in fancy paper bags, Christmas cookies, canelés and candy, and also a huge coffee machine. The menu on the wall behind the wooden counter has too much to choose from. Lukas just wants to have it all, his mouth watering at the thought of all this food.

-“Can I help you?”

There’s someone behind the coffee machine.

-“Uh, yeah?” Lukas can’t really see who’s there but it sounds like a boy. He’s using a wash cloth to remove coffee stains off the counter and he seems kinda busy. Lukas can only see his hand, dark brown hair and a black shirt. 

-“I don’t really know what to choose from – from…y - your…menu…” Lukas’ heart skips a beat as the boy appears from behind the monster machine and dark brown eyes beam under long lashes. Pouting lips turn into a questioning smile and curiosity lights up the boy’s face as he turns to Lukas. Waves of silky brown hair are tucked behind his ears and fall lose when he bows his head and smiles. Lukas is completely knocked out at the sight of him. 

-“We serve breakfast all day”, the boy says softly and draws a hand through his hair, tucking it back in place. There’s something angelic, almost ethereal about him and the world just…stops. Lukas stares and swallows hard. He’s baffled by his own reaction and unable to utter a single word.

-“You look like a burrito guy” the boy adds; a sassy smile on his lips. “Am I right?”

-“Uh, yeah,” he nods, his mind short circuiting. 

-“Burrito it is then. Do you want bacon or avocado on the side, or maybe both?”

Lukas clears his throat. -“Yeah, both.”

-“Would you like something to drink? Water? Coffee? Hot chocolate?”

 _You mean, hot like you?_ It flashes through his mind as his cheeks turn red. _What the fuck is wrong with him today?_

-“Uh, yeah, coffee please.” He clears his throat. “I’ll – I’ll be at the table over there by the fireplace.” As if the place is crowded and the boy can’t see him right from where he stands. Idiot. Lukas is an idiot.

-“Okay but, uh, d’you want regular black coffee, or can I make you something fancy?” The boy beams at him and Lukas’ knees weaken.

-“Yeah sure, something fancy”, he nods, his voice raspy. “But I don’t really know what I want? Just something hot, I’m freezing cold.”

-“Yeah, I can see that”, the boy gives him a onceover. 

-“Y-you can?”

-“Your hands and nose are red from the cold, and you’re only wearing a denim fur jacket over your shirt. A plaid shirt. Cute”, he smirks. “You’re not from the city, are you?”

-“What gave me away?” Lukas returns with a shy smile. “I’m from Tivoli; it’s roughly a two hour drive from here.”

-“Tivoli?”

-“Yeah? It’s north of Poughkeepsie.”

-“Poughkeepsie?”

Lukas wonders if he’s entered an alternate reality and scratches his head nervously.

-“I’m just messing with you, farm boy,” the boy grins. -“Just go sit down, I’ll be right there with your coffee and food.”

Lukas nods and goes to sit, tossing his jacket on the back of his chair. Would it be awkward if he asked about the boy’s name? He looks around. The old man has left, but the couple’s still sitting by the window. Lukas grabs his phone from his pocket and starts scrolling Facebook while he waits. Fifteen minutes go by and he wonders if the boy was just a mirage; a figment of his imagination. He never could have conjured up a face like that; a boy’s face he would call pretty darn beautiful. Lukas finds himself eagerly anticipating the boy’s return, his body tensing when he sees him weave around the counter, a plate and a mug in his hands.

-“Here’s your burrito”, the boy says, placing everything in front of him. -“I took the liberty of making you a pumpkin spice latte. You look like you need a little sweet treat.”

The boy winks at him and turns to go behind the counter again. It makes Lukas flush red. He has to muster up enough courage to ask the boy’s name, because he won’t be able to leave until he knows. 

-“Uhm…hey…uh, what’s your name?” he asks tentatively, his face flushing again revealingly.

-“Philip” the boy smiles at him over his shoulder. -“What’s yours?”

-“Lukas.” His voice cracks and he looks down. _Fuck_.

-“Lukas. Nice.” Philip nods, grinning. 

That smile, it does something to Lukas’ insides and his stomach flutters. This was all so unexpected, his leg starts bouncing nervously under the table. 

_Breathe_ – he’s gotta breathe. 

-

Eventually, Lukas has to leave and drive home. The food is delicious, the coffee even better, and Philip just amazing as he stands behind the counter taking orders and accommodating customers with a smile, when they slowly begin to emerge from the street. Lukas eats his burrito as slowly as he can, and really enjoys the coffee, deliciously creamy and spicy.

He pays at the counter and dares a look at the dark haired boy. He wonders if they’ll ever meet again. The thought of never seeing Philip again stings.

-“If I – if I come back next Saturday, will you be here?” Lukas asks nervously, his voice slightly shaking.

-“Yeah, I’m here every Saturday and also Wednesday afternoons and some Friday nights.” Philip smiles confidently in return. -“Are you around the city often?”

-“Nah, I’m just talking to sponsors and I can’t really do it on week days since I have school. And usually they’d come around Tivoli but it’s just that time a year, you know. December is that one month they don’t travel around looking for new talents.”

-“So what’s your talent, Lukas? Are you into some kind of sport?”

-“Motocross. Ever heard of it?”

-“Uhm yeah, I have. My boyfriend has a dirt bike but he doesn’t compete, so I don’t really know much about the sport though.”

-“Your - your boyfriend?” Lukas asks, dumbstruck, not sure he got it right. _Philip has a boyfriend? Philip is gay?_ His belly clenches and Lukas flushes red for the millionth time in less than an hour. Maybe something really is wrong with him.

-“Yup”, Philip answers, “Does it bother you? I mean – that I – that I’m gay?”

Lukas turns pale and ducks his head before summoning enough courage to meet Philip’s gaze.

-“No. No, it’s not like that. I just – I wouldn’t have guessed, and – I don’t think I know any other gay guys, s’all.” He shrugs.

-“Oh, trust me, you do. They’ve just not told you about it.” Philip smiles at him. -“You have a girlfriend?”

-“Yeah.” Lukas squirms thinking about Rose. He was supposed to text her when his sponsor meeting ended. _Shit, she’s gonna be mad_.

-“Oh yeah? What’s her name?” Philip seems interested, leaning over the counter a little. His gaze is fixed on Lukas, dark and curious, and Lukas stutters. 

-“Uh…R-Rose. Her n-name is Rose.”

-“You have a picture of her?”

-“Yeah, yeah…here.” Lukas opens the photo app on his phone and finds a picture of Rose sitting on a bench in the school yard, smiling beautifully at the camera. He hands his phone to Philip, and Philip’s skin brushes against his. A jolt goes through him and he lets out a nervous breath.

-“Oh, she’s really pretty,” Philip says with a smile, handing his phone back to him. -“Here’s a picture of my – uh -boyfriend…uhm…here.” He finds a picture on his own phone and shows it to Lukas, holding it up, his smile disappearing. Lukas is really curious about his boyfriend and stares at the photo. The boy in the picture looks taller and bigger than Philip. Like, really muscular in comparison. He’s got black hair and a square jaw and he might be a little older than Philip too. He looks all too pleased with himself for some reason, a pretentious grin plastered across his face.

-“Uh, his name’s Julian,” Philip shrugs.

-“Cool.” Lukas says, neutral expression on his own face. Lukas doesn’t like Julian at all. He looks too smug.

-“Yeah.” Philip seems a little lost in thoughts. -“Hey, do you wanna exchange phone numbers?” He’s smiling again, eagerly awaiting Lukas’ answer. -“Maybe we can meet up sometime when you’re not busy with…you know…looking for sponsors? I know some cool tracks around here.”

-“Yes! I mean – sure.” The prospect of seeing Philip again makes Lukas grin.

-“Alright, farm boy,” Philip grins back at him as they exchange numbers. -“Drive safe back home, okay?”

-“Will do, city boy,” Lukas waves a hand over his shoulder as he leaves. -“See ya!” He can’t wait to get home so that next Saturday comes around faster.

It’s the only thing he thinks about as he drives back home to his girlfriend. 

-

School is a prison, Lukas thinks on Monday. All he’s done the whole morning is think about Philip. Just like when he gets home on Saturday and Rose complains she isn’t feeling it when she cuddles close. He’s dreamy all Sunday too, telling her he can’t hang out because of all the manual work his dad makes him do on the farm.

It’s evidently a lie, but she isn’t there to witness it. His dad on the other hand, is. When Lukas comes down for breakfast and Dad asks him to muck the turkey pen before he leaves to do whatever he wants, Lukas doesn’t even hear him. He just swallows his breakfast in a hurry and go for a ride up by the quarry. The whole time, he thinks about Philip; how it would feel having his arms around his waist on the dirt bike. 

When he comes back two hours later, Dad isn’t happy. He asks Lukas to start collecting the turkey signs that are still scattered around the farm, but Lukas is in his own mind dreaming of Philip, and Bo grows impatient, mumbling to himself about impossible teenagers. At the dinner table, Lukas just sits there lost in daydreams when his dad suddenly utters something under his breath that finally gets Lukas’ attention.

-“Uh – what?” Lukas looks at him, confused.

-“That girl’s got her claws in you but you need to focus, Lukas.” Dad has that stern look that Lukas hates. The one that says Lukas isn’t good enough.

-“What – what do you mean?”

-“I mean, Rose can’t keep coming over if you can’t focus the next morning!” Dad sounds irritated. -“And by the way – are you guys using protection?”

-“Dad!” Lukas is horrified. -“It’s not like that, okay? We haven’t – I haven’t – I’m still.” Shit. He sighs. -“Okay, Dad. Yes.”

Lukas isn’t ready to confess that they’ve barely touched first base; that Rose sleeping over isn’t about having sex, but having company, just someone to be close to. And Rose doesn’t mind. She’s okay with not being pressured into anything, although it’s clear she’s in love. 

If enjoying her company, cuddling close in bed without the awkwardness of having to get naked with each other means Lukas is in love too, then yeah – he is. She’s the best thing that’s happened to him in years, since he lost his mom, Rose being the only one he feels kinda connected to. 

Maybe he does care about more than just motocross. And he won’t let her go without a fight. Or so he thought, until Saturday. 

How could he ever tell Dad that the one he’s thinking of isn’t Rose at all? Isn’t even a girl.

-

Now that it’s Monday, Lukas feels disoriented and worried. He needs time to himself to think but it’s like all the teachers have their eyes on him today, singling him out, asking stupid questions about assignments and reports that were due on Friday. By lunch time he doesn’t feel like sitting in a crowd eating tasteless food, getting more stupid questions from his friends about the weekend. 

He tells Rose he isn’t feeling well and that he needs to be alone for a while, which she accepts without arguing. The wounded look she gives him probably means something though, but he isn’t ready to face it.

Lukas heads for the library. At least in there he knows he’ll be alone for a while.

He sits down at a table in the far back and grabs his phone from his pocket. It would probably be risky to call Philip right now. He might be in class or with his boyfriend. Not that it would matter if he were with Julian. Lukas isn’t anything to Philip; just a friend. Maybe.

Are they friends? 

Maybe he could send a text? Just to say _hello hi I think you’re great I’d like to talk to you again?_

What would that say about him? It’s not like Lukas is gay or anything. He’s just…curious about Philip; a specific person. 

Whom he happens to like.

A lot.

He’s only met Philip once but that was all it took. A single moment which now, when looking back, seemed to stretch into eternity and still be too short. That morning in the coffee shop is all he’s been thinking about since.

He does like Philip a whole lot. He really admires Philip’s openness, not hiding that he’s gay. In Tivoli it wouldn’t be that easy coming out. He would be an outcast. He’d have to live a lie to survive. Lukas shudders. Would it ever be possible to just – be? Without being judged. Lukas thinks his friends aren’t really that openminded. Rose…maybe. But the rest of them…And Dad…The thought makes Lukas cringe, a worried look upon his face. Philip wouldn’t last long in Tivoli. It makes him sad.

The thing is…He really likes the way Philip’s hair falls over his forehead when he bows his head. Lukas imagines his hand stretching out to touch and tuck those brown waves back, curling his hand into the silky and soft texture of them. Eyes closed, the images are so vivid in his head he can almost feel it for real.

He likes Philip’s eyes, brown and bottomless and beaming at Lukas when he speaks. He could drown in those eyes, willingly. 

He likes the curve of Philip’s mouth when he smiles. His lips look so soft and pliant. Like they could mold easily under pressure.

Hell, he likes the way Philip says his name. It sounds different coming from Philip’s mouth, in Philip’s soft voice. 

_Lukas._

Like a promise.

It’s a punch in the gut at first. But then it spreads like wildfire in Lukas’ veins and his whole body is on fire. His stomach hurts and a jolt goes through him as a thousand needles sting his limbs. _Philip, Philip, Philip_. The thought of him makes Lukas’ heart soar. 

It feels so damn good thinking about Philip; the sound of his voice and the light in his eyes. But when he thinks about telling Rose or Dad about him it just feels impossible. They wouldn’t understand this, what Philip represents; this new and shiny thing. This feeling of having the world stop turning; of time ceasing to exist, just at the thought of him. How precious he is, this person; _this boy_.

A boy he’d maybe give his life to see again.

Lukas’ breath catches and his brows furrow.

_Fuck._

It’s just a mindless little friend crush. 

_It has to be._

-

Another day goes by after a sleepless night, thoughts of Philip keeping him awake, and Lukas finds himself back in the library at lunch time, his hands clutching at his phone like it’s a life line. He wonders if Philip remembers him. Would it really be awkward if he sent just a tiny text? Just to see if he’d get an answer? To make sure Philip is actually real; that he hasn’t made him up?

He can’t shake Philip off his mind.

Lukas decides to send Philip a picture of his dirt bike, just to say _look I remember our talk I told you I ride this is my bike ain’t it cool?_ Totally random, right?

Like – _if you wanna talk we can be friends?_

Like – _don’t leave me alone with these feelings…_

_Shit._


	2. Chapter 2

Lukas writes a few words, searches for a decent picture of the bike on his phone, attaches it to the message and hits send before overthinking it.

 **To Philip** :  
Hey! :D Thought I’d show u  
what my bike looks like!

I’m bored >.< School is a  
nightmare  
Hope ur having a nice  
day!:D  
Lukas

His palms are sweaty. His heart, ten times bigger in his chest and pounding so fast he’s trouble breathing evenly. Sweat trickles down his forehead and all he wants to do is hide from the potential disaster of sending a stupid text to Philip; the one person he’d like to impress right now. Thank God there’s a whole fifteen minutes before he needs to head back to class.

His phone buzzes and he can’t believe what he sees; Philip’s name lighting up the screen like firework. 

**To Lukas** :  
Hey farm boy!:D  
Here’s a pic I took  
of yr coffee on  
Saturday  
Cool bike!!  
My day’s ok  
I hope yrs  
will be too :)  
Philip

Lukas can’t even remember what day of the week it actually is. 

-

By Friday, Lukas and Philip have been texting back and forth a million times already, and Lukas is afraid they won’t have anything to talk about when they meet again. 

Lukas now knows that Philip loves taking pictures, of literally anything he finds interesting or beautiful. And he knows he’s good because Philip has sent him a dozen pictures, mostly of puppies, some of the New York skyline, others of all the fancy hot drinks he’s made for customers at the coffee shop, and one of his mom. Lukas knows he’s saving money to buy a camera, a new D-SLR model he’s seen online, and that’s why he works at the shop. He knows Philip has mad coffee making skills; Philip’s told him he was hired because he knows his way around the kitchen. And also: he made Lukas that pumpkin spice latte last Saturday and it was fucking delicious.

Philip knows Lukas lives on a farm and that he legitimately can call Lukas a farm boy without even joking. He knows Lukas wants to get out of the junior motocross circuit and become a senior but that he needs a better sponsor to get new gear and professional guidance, and that’s why he’s coming to the city again. Philip knows how Lukas looks in his gear because he sent him pictures. He knows the boots and helmet cost a fortune and that Lukas’s Dad has been supporting him. He knows Lukas has a youtube channel with mediocre quality videos of him riding and doing tricks. And he knows he’ll go riding with Lukas sometime in the future because Lukas has promised.

They haven’t called each other. It’s like a silent agreement between them; no calls. Sometimes, Lukas’ phone stops buzzing for a while and he thinks that’s when Philip is with his boyfriend and it hurts.

They haven’t mentioned Julian or Rose anymore either, and Lukas doesn’t know if he should feel bad about it. But for now, he settles for going to bed and trying to sleep because tomorrow he’ll see Philip again. 

-

Lukas shows up at the coffee shop the next morning wearing a big grin. It’s like he can’t stop himself from smiling if he’d wanted to. 

He doesn’t want to.

Philip greets him with a smile too and they’re alone in the shop and Lukas just wants to hug him but he doesn’t. 

His hands ache, his mind spins and his heart stutters…but he doesn’t.

Philip lets him find a seat and Lukas sits down at the table by the fireplace, the fairy lights glowing softly down on him. He orders a burrito because Philip said last time that he looked like a burrito kinda guy and he wasn’t wrong. Philip makes him a delicious hot drink which he tells him is a cookies and cream hot chocolate. The crunchy richness and the creamy decadence of it makes Lukas swoon. Philip knows how to impress him.

Lukas thought they might not have anything left to talk about, but his fears were unnecessary. Philip sits down with him and talks about life in the city, how fast it is, how Christmas season starts in November and how much he loves it. How he loves going window shopping with his mom, or strolling around on his own taking pictures of knowing or unknowing objects, dreaming about that camera he wants so much. How he loves the snow coming down and hates that it turns to slush in the streets. Lukas could listen to him talk for hours.

Lukas shares too. He talks about his love for motocross and that he’s built his own track up by the quarry on the farm. He speaks about the hunting trips he’s been on with his dad, and how he actually doesn’t like hunting, but that it’s too challenging to have that conversation with a man who’s so stuck on traditions. He doesn’t talk about Rose or his friends, but he tells Philip about his mom who died when he was only six years old. It earns him an understanding and sweet look from Philip.

When Lukas leaves, they’ve become real friends he thinks, and he can’t imagine a life without Philip in it anymore. 

-

Lukas spends a whole week thinking about Philip, texting Philip and dreaming about him. It’s like Philip is with him in everything he does. When he wakes up in the morning, Philip is right beside him, a sleepy smile on his face. When he brushes his teeth Philip is there, hovering, waiting. At school, Philip walks beside him in the hallways and the thought of him interrupts any and all conversations Rose try to initiate with Lukas. At dinner with his dad, Philip sits right in front of him, making faces and trying to make Lukas laugh; and Lukas giggles quietly, his mouth stuffed with food. Dad looks at Lukas in confusion. The boy has apparently gone totally nuts.

Rose is getting impatient. She wants to spend time with him, cuddle and watch Netflix, go to a party on Friday together. Just talk. Because that’s what they do; they talk a lot. But now Lukas has clammed up; he doesn’t tell Rose anything anymore.

Lukas can’t. He’s avoiding her as best he can but he knows he’ll have to face her sooner or later. It’s just – he doesn’t really know what to say to her. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him and it’s confusing him, but he’s also excited and happy most of the time. It’s exhausting. The truth is however, he wouldn’t have changed it for the world. 

-


	3. Chapter 3

When Lukas walks in the door at the coffee shop the next saturday, after a long meeting with yet another sponsor, the first thing he sees is Philip chatting with a customer at the counter. Philip is smiling and talking, but when he moves Lukas can see that he hurts. He walks kinda funny, holding his right hand up to his left side, grimacing.

Lukas rushes towards him. -“Philip!” He wants to smile and be happy about seeing him again, but this worries him.

Philip waves good bye to the customer and comes to welcome him, grinning. -“Lukas! You’re back! I wasn’t sure you were gonna make it through this shitty weather, but here you are.”

As if the weather could’ve stopped Lukas from coming, from seeing him again. Not now. Not ever.

-“Are you alright?” Lukas’ voice is worried, his brows furrowed. -“What happened to you?”

-“Oh…uhm, I just – I was – I was really busy yesterday and I just, I bumped into the counter really hard, and…yeah.” He gives Lukas an apologetic grin, like it’s nothing. 

But it’s something, and Lukas discovers something crucial: he hates seeing Philip hurt.

-“I…” Lukas doesn’t know what to say. They’re standing close and Philip is looking up at him, not by much because they’re almost equally tall, but Lukas is taller and he likes that. He wants to touch Philip, to curve his arms around him and wrap him up, but he knows he can’t. First of all, it would probably hurt Philip even more. Second, it would be really awkward if he did that; they’ve never touched each other before. And third… _do friends do that?_ Beside Rose, he hasn’t really ever hugged anyone, except his parents when he was younger.

But Philip looks so small, so innocent. And his eyes, when he looks up at Lukas, they hold every spark of light inside them; as if Lukas has ignited a burning fire inside the other boy.

Lukas digs his hands further down his jacket pockets. It’s starting to get weird how long they’ve been staring at each other.

-“Uh, m-maybe I should go sit down and – “ 

-“Mm, will you order a burrito again or – “ 

They interrupt each other and Philip smiles at him.

-“Uh, yeah. And a hot drink? You nailed it last time.” A shy smile crosses Lukas’ face in response.

-“Okay.” Philip worries his lower lip between his teeth. -“I’ll make you something different again. It’ll be a surprise.” 

Philip retreats behind the counter getting busy, disappearing into the kitchen. He walks slowly, as if just moving really, really hurts.

Lukas turns to find a seat and sees that “his” table by the fireplace is free. He sits down at exactly the same spot as twice before and feels relieved to be back. It’s like coming home. 

Lukas waits eagerly for Philip to return, scrolling through his messages from last night on his phone with a grin on his face. Philip had said that if Lukas cares to stay for a while, they could talk, like last time, when Philip isn’t busy with customers. Lukas agreed and never asked about Philip’s boyfriend. Maybe he should’ve. Maybe he has to. It’s not like he wants to, but he needs to know that this is okay, not really sure of what “this” actually is, leaving Julian and Rose out of the equation for now. 

-

Philip returns with his food and a mug, just like the last times Lukas was here and the familiarity of it almost knocks him out. Philip has a strained smile on his face though, Lukas notices, as he sits down with him. He feels sorry for him and wishes he could do something to make the pain go away.

Lukas stares at the drink in front of him. It has cream on top sprinkled with cinnamon and nutmeg, but it doesn’t smell like coffee. It smells delicious though and Lukas hums.

-“It smells like winter,” he smiles at Philip.

-“It’s a snickerdoodle hot cocoa and it’s made with white chocolate,” Philip replies, his right hand cupping his left side again.

Lukas takes a sip, getting cream all over his upper lip and smiles shyly at Philip. It tastes just as good as it smells, the cream lingering on his tongue, velvet soft like the look in Philip’s eyes. He flushes and bows his head, taking a few more sips and removing the mess on his lip. Philip looks disappointed.

-“Hey, man…are you really okay?” Lukas asks him after a while. It’s clear Philip is hurting. “You shouldn’t be at work you know, when you hurt that much.”

-“I’m okay,” he shrugs. -“Besides, Julian and I, we’re…not doing well at the moment. I don’t wanna go home.”

-“Wait – you, you live together?” Lukas looks at him, incredulous; grossed out by the thought of Philip living with that…that - _dude_.

-“Oh, no. No, we don’t live together. I still live with my mom, but - Julian…he comes over all the time. He lives alone and he uh…he wants me to move in with him next year, when I turn eighteen.”

-“What? How old is he?”

-“Twenty one.”

Lukas is silent for a while before looking at Philip again. -“And do you wanna?”

“I -.” Philip sighs. -“No.”

-“You don’t wanna move in with Julian?” Lukas wants to make sure he heard that right.

-“Uhm…no. Definitely not.”

The silence stretches between them. -“Does he know that?”

Philip looks away. -“Yes. He knows.”

Lukas wants to stretch out his hand across the table and grab Philip’s, conveniently lying not far from his. But he doesn’t. 

-“What did he say when you told him no?”

-“He didn’t like it.” Philip’s answer is dismissive and he seems relieved when people start pouring in from the street. -“Just, hold on. I’ll be back in a short while.” 

Philip returns to his usual place behind the counter and starts taking orders. He acts like nothing’s happened, like he doesn’t hurt, and it bothers Lukas. He can’t stand seeing Philip in pain but this is somehow worse, because he knows he is, and it must hurt even more trying to hide it. Something about the whole thing seems odd.

Lukas eats his food and saves the hot cocoa for last. It all tastes delicious, the burrito accentuating the sweetness of the hot drink. He’s reached the bottom of the mug when Philip returns. The coffee shop isn’t crowded yet, so he can sit down with Lukas a little while longer.

The table is small, and two boys leaning towards each other doesn’t leave much space between them. They look at each other and say nothing. Philip’s hands are so close to Lukas’ on the table but Lukas doesn’t move. He can’t. His whole body is tense, tuned in on Philip, and when Philip’s finger just barely touches one of his, Lukas’ belly swoops and his eyes widen. Philip’s gaze is so dark and deep, Lukas drowns in it. His finger brushes over Lukas’ hand softly and the faint touch sends shivers up his arm, like electricity. Like Philip is charged, setting Lukas on fire. 

Lukas can’t help but gaze at Philip’s lips; he does it without even thinking about it. If he could just – reach out and touch… _Are they really as soft as they look?_

He wonders what Philip tastes like. Hot and sweet like the fancy drinks he makes, or something totally different.

Time stretches and evaporates into thin air. The few people around them disappear, along with everything else. It’s just them. The fairy lights light up Philip’s face with a dim glow, softening the sharp of his jawline, his lashes casting shadows on his cheeks. It’s endearing and sweet, and Lukas is probably, if not certainly, almost definitely, in love. 

 

Something’s happening. Something crazy and completely wild. Something beautiful. It leaves Lukas breathless.

 

Philip lets out a breath and leans back in his chair. Lukas immediately misses him.

 _How can he miss Philip when Philip is right there?_

Lukas’ mind spins, throwing around intruding images of Rose, trying to block them because Philip is here, and Lukas wants to be here; right here in the moment, with him. _Who even is Rose?_

Someone enters the coffee shop slamming the door shut behind them and Lukas resurfaces, like waking up from a fever dream. Philip looks wary, gazing over Lukas’ shoulder, and his eyes widen.

-“Shit.” Philip stands up nervously. -“Lukas, you gotta go, now. Like right now, okay?”

-“W-what? Now?” Lukas is confused and still dazed but rises from his seat too. -“Y-you want me to leave?” He feels hurt; he doesn’t understand.

-“Please, Lukas. Please. I’ll explain later.” Philip’s eyes are imploring. -“I’ll text you. Just – leave.”

Tears spring to Lukas’ eyes unbidden, but he can’t let Philip see that. The contrast between the moment they just shared and Philip ushering him out of his way is too stark; his emotions are a mess. He turns to grab his jacket and leaves in a hurry, unaware of his surroundings. Behind him, through the sudden buzz of people, a voice rises, loud and rough.

-“Who the hell was that?”

And then Philip. -“No one, just a customer.” 

-


	4. Chapter 4

The drive home feels longer than it is and it takes him farther and farther away from Philip; it just doesn’t feel right.

 _“No one, just a customer.”_ It lingers, clings to his every thought like glue. _Is that really how Philip sees him? Aren’t they friends anymore?_

He can’t believe it. _Was it all just a dream?_ Lukas refuses to believe that, although it felt like one. Philip’s face glowing in the soft light. The way he looked at Lukas, like he was asking for permission and promising the world all at once. The barely there touch of their fingertips. 

He’s so confused it gets tiring trying to focus on driving.

When he finally arrives at home and checks his phone only to see no messages from Philip, Lukas runs up the stairs without even looking at his dad who’s watching a game on tv. Bo shakes his head and turns back to the screen. _Teenagers_. 

-

Lukas feels cold, so cold. It’s not just the unpleasantly chilly weather. He feels sick inside, like there’s a war waging under his skin. His mind starts spinning again, turning images of Rose’s face into Philip’s. Philip with eyes so big and lashes so long he could almost be taken for a girl, had it not been so painfully obvious that the rest of him totally is a boy, sharp jaw, square shoulders and narrow hips and all. Philip with lips so…so…inviting, Lukas actually imagines kissing him, holding him tight; closer than he’s ever been to any human being. He’s so confused. 

He’d thought it was just the novelty of it; of knowing a cool new person, someone outside of Tivoli; a little crush he could easily shake off as they became friends. He’d thought maybe it was his need of affection, of being close to someone like with Rose, that’d led him to think about Philip all the time and dream of him lying close to Lukas in bed, cuddling under the blankets. 

But Lukas wants more than the usual cuddling he has going with Rose. He wants more than Philip’s head lying on his arm, Philip’s hand holding his. He wants the whole thing. The cuddling and the kissing; the holding and the touching. The type of connection that is only meant for two people who want each other, whose desire can’t be extinguished unless it’s consummated.

Lukas starts crying, head in his hands, sitting on the edge of his bed. Something is definitely wrong with him. What would Dad say to all of this? Lukas already feels like a disappointment to him. They never really talk, but when they do, it’s almost always Dad telling Lukas this or that about the right way to do things. Lukas’ way of doing things is rarely the right way, if ever. It’s hard.

Lukas misses his mom. Her gentle eyes and soft hugs. The way she comforted him when he was hurt; whether it was from physical or emotional pain. She was always there. He wonders what she’d have thought about this; about Philip. About Lukas’ confusing feelings.

He sits for a while, tears streaming down his face, feeling frozen and tense. A hot shower should do the trick, and warm him up again. He tears off his clothes as he heads for the bathroom and turns on the water, as hot as he can get it without burning up.

This feeling, of needing to be close to Philip, it’s all-consuming and it spreads from the very center of his being and through his whole body. His limbs feel weak as images of Philip flood his mind, and he leans against the wall, hot water pouring down on him. He tries resisting touching himself, thinking of Philip, but his hand travels down on its own, palming his dick, stroking it. He’s hard already, Jesus. Thinking about the dark haired boy’s plump lips and sassy smile makes his hand work faster and he moans quietly into the stream of hot water. Philip must have put him under some kind of spell because all he can see now when he closes his eyes is Philip’s mouth around his dick; Philip’s hands traveling up Lukas’ chest, Philip’s imploring eyes, asking Lukas to give in and give up.

He comes with a sob, Philip’s name on his lips, and slides down to sit under the pouring water. It’s getting increasingly colder but he doesn’t care. Lukas’ life just changed, dramatically. The world shifted the second he desperately cried out Philip’s name in need.

-

In a way, Lukas feels relieved as he slips under the covers of his bed, but he’s scared. Scared of what will happen with Philip now; afraid Philip won’t talk to him after rushing him out of the coffee shop; scared of his dad, of what he’d say if he knew. And then there’s Rose. They can’t go on like they have for years. He knows now he never wanted her, not like he wants Philip, and that’s why it was so easy to never think about being intimate with her. He cares about Rose, but not – not like that.

Lukas closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. He just wants to go to sleep, and sleep forever. 

-

When Lukas wakes up it’s late. He remembers it’s still Saturday and that he’s promised Rose to come over. They were gonna watch movies, eat popcorn and make up for lost time last weekend. But Lukas can’t. He’s not ready to face her right now, still confused by newfound feelings; still sad Philip threw him off like he did.

Lukas grabs his phone from the nightstand. There are two messages waiting and one of them is from Philip, the other from Rose. He opens Rose’s first just to be done with it, and it’s what he expected; a reminder of their date tonight. He sends an answer explaining how he’s not feeling well, how he’s not felt well for days, but that he’ll make up for it some other time. He knows it isn’t good enough, not even close. But this is all he can manage right now.

Lukas opens Philip’s message, his heartbeat racing.

 **To Lukas** :  
Sorry, I didn’t  
mean to throw  
u off like that :/  
R we still friends? :'( 

 

Lukas lets out a shaky breath and sits up on his bed to type an answer. It’s like a weight lifted off his shoulders. 

**To Philip** :  
Philip, I get it  
I mean idk why  
I had to leave  
but I guess u  
had yr reasons  
so it’s ok :) 

**To Lukas** :  
U don’t get it  
but it’s not yr  
fault  
It was Julian  
He came in and  
I got scared

 **To Philip** :  
Of Julian?  
Why?

Lukas has a bad feeling, his stomach churning remembering Philip’s pain. He clutches at his phone waiting nervously for Philip’s answer.

 **To Lukas** :  
It’s complicated

 _Fuck no, it ain’t complicated at all_ , Lukas thinks, letting out a sigh. He gets out of bed and sits on the edge.

 **To Lukas** :  
He saw yr pics on  
my phone and he  
got mad  
Said he was gonna  
beat u if u ever  
showed up again

Lukas remembers what pictures he sent to Philip. Pictures of him in full gear, helmet and all, so his face was hidden. Julian doesn’t know what he looks like. Then he remembers Philip again, his pain, how he was so brave going to work despite hurting so bad. He fears, not for himself, but for Philip.

Lukas starts shaking with anger. He’s never been afraid of getting hit. He’s able to pack a punch himself so Julian is the one who should be scared.

 **To Philip** :  
U didn’t hit the  
counter, right?  
It was Julian

 **To Lukas** :  
Yes

Lukas almost throws the phone into the nearest wall in a rage. He’s so fucking angry he could smash that shithead Julian into the same wall if he were here. Fucking beat him up, like he did to Philip. Make him beg for mercy.

 **To Philip** :  
Can I call u?

 **To Lukas** :  
Yes but gimme  
two minutes before  
u do

Two minutes is an eternity when all you want is to hear the voice of someone you care deeply about, and Lukas cares. Fuck, he cares so much. He spends one minute and fifty seconds pacing back and forth before dialing Philip’s number, hitting the call button at two minutes sharp. He can’t wait any longer, he can’t. Philip answers immediately.

-“Philip.” Lukas’ voice is raspy with emotions.

-“Lukas.” Philip sounds tired.

-“Where are you? Are you okay?”

-“I’m fine. I’m in my room, at home with my mom.”

There’s a long silence. Now that he’s got Philip on the phone, Lukas doesn’t know what to say, but he’s still angry, and he still wants to wrap Philip up in his arms and protect him.

-“Lukas, are you there?”

-“Yes. Yeah, I’m here. I just – I…why didn’t you tell me right away? I would’ve punched that asshole through the wall.”

-“I thought maybe you’d do that, or at least try. Julian…he’s very strong. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

-“I can take a punch you know!”

-“I don’t doubt that, Lukas, but – Julian wouldn’t just have punched you. He’s been in more fights than I care to know about and he’s…he’s jealous.”

-“He’s…jealous? Because of me?” Lukas’ breath catches. -“He thinks you and I…? That you - like me?”

-“Yeah.”

-“Oh.” Lukas thinks back on what happened this morning. Philip sitting across the table from him, their hands almost touching, the sudden soft brush of Philip’s finger. _Was it real? Did it actually happen?_ If Philip really likes him, wants him, the same way Lukas wants Philip – then…

-“Do you?”

-“Do I what?”

-“Do you, uh…do you…like me? Like that, like – Julian thinks that you do.” 

The silence stretches, becomes a small eternity filled with soft breaths.

-“Yeah.”

Lukas’ heart sings. It’s a hundred times bigger than his chest and he can’t breathe; he can’t breathe. He flops down on his bed again, unable to stand on his shaky legs. 

He lies down, phone close to his ear, feet dangling over the edge of the bed. Lukas draws a hand through his hair and then covers his eyes. He’s grinning like an idiot.

-“Lukas?” Philip asks. “Are you smiling? Because I can practically hear you grinning from over here.” Philip sounds like he’s smiling too.

Lukas nods, then realizes Philip can’t see him.

-“I – I am.” Lukas is speechless. Where do they go from here?

-“So…you - like me too?” Philip’s voice is hesitant now, incredulous. “For real?”

-“Yeah. Philip – for real.”

-“What…what about Rose?” Philip sounds like he doesn’t really want to ask, but has to.

-“I – I haven’t, I mean – this is so new to me, it’s…Rose is still my girlfriend. I haven’t seen her since yesterday at school and we haven’t hung out in a while. I – I just…I -” 

Lukas sounds nervous and talks too fast. He forgot about Rose after sending her that text and he doesn’t want Philip to think that he doesn’t like him enough to do something about the situation. Because he will. But right now, everything’s so brand new and shining. He needs this moment to be just about them. Just Philip and Lukas.

-“Okay. It’s okay,” Philip says calmly. “I get it. It’s fine. I – I still have Julian to deal with.”

The silence between them is not uncomfortable. It’s a pleasant silence, filled with smiles and soft breaths, an occasional faint giggle here and there…It feels so good, like something fuzzy and warm has settled in Lukas’ chest that never were there before. Everything glows. He can’t fucking believe it.

-“Philip,” he breathes.

-“Lukas,” Philip whispers back.

-“When can I see you again?” Lukas sounds anxious, he knows, but this is crucial. He has to see Philip, sooner rather than later. He just wants to take care of him. “Are you free tomorrow?”

-“Yeah, I don’t have any commitments and I kinda want to get out of here.”

-“Would you…would you wanna come to Tivoli?” Lukas sounds nervous still. This is huge. He’ll have to feed Rose another lie. He can’t tell Dad about Philip either, he has to sort things out on his own first. Luckily, he knows exactly where they can stay the whole Sunday.

-“Yeah.” Philip sounds happy. -“I can come.”

Lukas’s heart keeps skipping beats in his chest and he’s about to burst with joy.

-“Can you catch an early bus? I mean – unless you have a car? Do you?”

-“Uh no,” Philip smiles into the phone. -“I don’t have a car. I’ll catch an early ride, don’t worry.”

-“Philip, it’s not me I’m worried about,” Lukas whispers.

-“I’ll manage, Lukas. I’ll be fine. He knows I’m not seeing him tomorrow anyways.”

-“How come?”

-“I told him my mom and I were gonna spend the day together.”

-“Your mom…will she be okay with…with this?”

-“Yes. Yes, she will. She doesn’t like Julian, says he’s bad for me,” Philip breathes. “And…I - I told her about you.”

-“You did.” Lukas smiles. -“Philip,” Lukas says softly.

-“I…I showed her a picture of you. She couldn’t see your face since you’ve just sent me photos where you got your gear and helmet on. But she said you looked - fierce. Like someone I…someone I’d be safe with.”

-“You will, Philip. You are. I promise,” Lukas says firmly. 

Philip sighs. They’ll have to hang up soon, if they want to catch some sleep before dawn and Lukas sighs too. Excitement is almost killing him.

They exchange a few more giggles and sighs, a few soft words about tomorrow. Then they hang up, and Lukas feels lost. Lost without the sound of Philip’s voice in his ear. Emptiness in his chest. But he knows, tomorrow – tomorrow will be different. He’ll hold Philip in his arms; he’ll be able to run his fingers through his hair, look into his eyes and see everything. Everything he never knew he longed for.


	5. Chapter 5

Lukas sits at the kitchen table with his dad, his right foot bouncing nervously under the table. They’re both having their morning coffee and Dad is heading out somewhere. Lukas is up early because he knows Dad will put him to work before he’s allowed some time off, and he’s right.

-“I want you to clean up the shed this morning before you do anything else, you hear me Lukas?” Dad’s voice is stern, not allowing any arguments to be made. “I’m heading over to the Olson’s for a while. Ted needs help with one of their horses.”

Lukas is relieved. This means Dad will be out most of the day, so Lukas can do his chores in a hurry, without his father hovering. And then he can go meet Philip at the bus stop down by the sheriff’s office.

-“What’s wrong with it?” he asks, showing an interest he doesn’t really feel. He just wants him gone so that he can be done with his chores quickly.

-“I don’t know. I’ll have a look at it, but we might have to call Caldwell.” His dad looks at him, brows furrowed. “Are you all right, kid? You look agitated.”

Lukas turns pale. _How exactly should he put it?_ He’s in this state because he’s gonna see Philip again and he can’t wait. He can’t fucking wait for it to happen. But he can’t talk about it; tries not to show any signs of excitement. Apparently, it isn’t working.

-“I-I’m not feeling too well. My gut hurts,” he stutters, his hand cupping his stomach.

-“You sure you’ll be alright? You want me to stay?”

-“No!” Lukas exclaims. “I-I mean, no Dad. You don’t need to stay. I’m sure it’ll pass. I’ll do my chores and go lay down for a while.”

“Okay, kid. But don’t you forget it. And for God’s sake, remember to feed the turkeys,” his dad says before leaving the table. -“I’ll see you later.”

And then he leaves and Lukas is alone, letting out a sigh of relief when he hears the car’s engine ignite and his dad drive away. 

-

Lukas is waiting for Philip, sitting on a bench near the bus stop. The bike is parked behind the sheriff’s office, two helmets lying on top of it. He can see the bus coming down the street and his heart starts pounding heavily in his chest. He lets out a breath. There’s just one thing he needs to remember; no hugs until they’re alone. _No hugs until they’re alone_. He repeats it steadily in his head, afraid he’ll forget it when he sees Philip. He can’t let himself forget because if he does, and he hugs Philip, he might not be able to let go, and that would be…it would be…

Lukas can’t even find the words to describe the consequences to himself. Nobody knows Philip here. Nobody knows Lukas knows Philip. No one knows about their feelings for each other, and if they did…The thought scares him. 

And then there’s Rose. They haven’t even talked about this. She doesn’t know anything. She thinks they’re good. 

_What a mess_.

The bus pulls to a stop and the doors open. There’s a man, a woman and a child getting off – and then there’s Philip, wearing a vintage leather jacket, a bag hung over his shoulder. He looks tired.

Lukas stares at him and they lock eyes, smiling shyly at each other.

-“Hi,” Lukas says, his hands shoved deep into his jeans pockets. His ass is cold from sitting on the bench and he shifts a little from foot to foot, looking Philip up and down with hungry eyes. Philip in a leather jacket makes Lukas breathless. If only he knew the look in his eyes, he wouldn’t give a damn about the no hugging thing.

-“Hey,” says Philip, drinking Lukas in, eyes wide and hands clutching hard at the strap of his bag.

They start walking, Philip following Lukas, both boys glancing at each other as they stroll down the sidewalk, heading for the bike. The tension between them is almost tangible and Lukas’ stomach clenches. It hurts, but in a good way.

He hands Philip the spare helmet and puts on his own, straddling the bike. He waits for Philip to get on behind him, and the moment he feels Philip’s hands clutching at him around his waist, he relaxes. It feels even better than he imagined. 

Lukas is excited. The bike under him and Philip behind him; the open road ahead. Well – the snowclad road ahead. It’s everything.

-

It isn’t easy maneuvering through the snow once he leaves the main road and heads for the cabin up by the quarry, but he’s used to it. He doesn’t take the short cut but follows the dirt road his dad cleared yesterday, the one that leads to the Waldenbeck cabin, and the Olson’s cabin another mile farther ahead.

Once they arrive, he pulls to a stop and lets Philip off first. Philip removes his helmet and looks around.

-“Where are we?”

Lukas removes his own helmet climbing off the bike. -“We’re on the farm. We passed the main house half an hour ago. This is just a hunting cabin. We come up here each year in October to hunt deer.” Lukas gives Philip a longing look. -“We, uh…we’ll be alone here today. Dad cleared the road yesterday, so he won’t be around anytime soon.”

Philip turns to look at him with a shy smile on his face, and then the tension between them rises again. Lukas’ stomach clenches. He’s unsure of what to do next.

-“L-lets go inside. We can light a fire and there’s beer in the fridge.” He smiles at Philip, wants to grab his hand, but he doesn’t. He just signals for Philip to follow him as he unlocks the door and enters the cabin.

It’s really chilly inside too, but there’s enough wood to keep a fire going for days. Lukas gets rid of his jacket, tossing it on the floor. He makes himself busy by the fireplace, turning his back to Philip.

-“Sit down, I’ll get the beer in a minute.”

There’s a large closet with slotted doors and a table with two chairs by the fridge, and also a bed by the window facing south. The dirt road leading up to the cabin is visible, and there’s not a soul in sight.

Philip removes his jacket, leaving it on the back of a chair, and sits down on the bed. Lukas finishes what he’s doing, turning to the fridge. He wants to grab Philip and just hold him, kiss him senseless, never let him go. But he can’t do that. He’s got to be careful. That asshole Julian already touched Philip the wrong way. He doesn’t want to be rough, doesn’t know how Philip would respond to that after what happened to him.

There’s only one beer in the fridge. Shit, he thought there were at least three. There are some left over sandwiches after his dad ate his lunch up here yesterday, and a bottle of coke. It’ll have to do.

-“Don’t drop it,” he says as he tosses the beer in Philip’s direction, the bottle landing on the floor with a loud thud. Philip picks it up, laughing.

-“Are you kidding me?” He opens it, beer flooding his hands, and takes a swig.

-“Nice,” Lukas laughs nervously as Philip hands him the bottle, drying beer off his hands on his jeans. Lukas just looks at him, bottle in hand. He’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen, just sitting there beaming at him. That smile could light up the whole fucking town.

He sits down on the bed, close to Philip, and puts the bottle aside on the floor. The tension between them is building as they stare at each other, Lukas waiting for Philip to make the first move. If he knew how to do this it wouldn’t feel awkward, he thinks. But he knows it’s safe in here, just the two of them, shielded from the world. 

He has to try. He has to do something; because they’re here now. Philip is here, with him, because he wants to; they both want to. 

Lukas stretches out a hand tentatively, to touch Philip’s face. He palms his cheek carefully, their eyes locked. It’s soft, smooth, his jaw so sharp. Philip leans on his hand and it’s the most heartwarming thing he could’ve ever done. Philip trusts him, entirely. Lukas’ heart grows bigger in his chest, like it’s going to explode. He’ll never let anything happen to Philip, ever again.

-“You,” Lukas breathes. -“You’re amazing.” Lukas’ other hand comes up to cup Philip’s face, his thumbs caressing Philip’s cheeks carefully. He can feel Philip sigh and lean in, clutching at the collar of his shirt.

When their lips meet, it’s everything and more than Lukas ever thought it would be. It’s soft and warm and wet. It’s uneven breathing and quivering lips. It’s that tingling sensation everywhere, when experiencing something new and unexpected, something incredible and sweet and touching. 

Lukas wraps Philip up in his arms, holding him firmly, trying not to squeeze too tight but not quite succeeding.

-“Ow.” It escapes Philip’s mouth in the middle of their kiss and Lukas immediately feels guilty, letting Philip go.

-“I’m so sorry, Philip. I didn’t mean to – “

Philip stops him, grabbing his arm. -“Come back here,” he smiles softly at Lukas. -“I’m fine.” He grabs at the collar of Lukas’s shirt, pulling him towards him. The look in his hooded eyes, his kiss bruised red lips, it overwhelms Lukas completely. Before he knows it, they’re kissing again, frantically, tongues brushing against each other, Philip climbing into his lap.

Lukas can’t think straight. He tries to hold Philip against him carefully, but it’s a challenge. Philip tugs at his hair with both hands, kissing him with his whole body, leaning into him like he needs Lukas’s mouth on his just to keep breathing. Lukas thinks he’s never really been kissed before as he weaves his own hands into Philip’s dark curls, because this must be how it’s supposed to be. Smooth and delicate, passionate and thrilling.

Philip lets go for a moment to get rid of his shirt. He looks Lukas straight in the eyes as he removes it and tosses it on the floor, and it’s the sexiest thing Lukas has ever experienced, the curve of Philip’s pectorals glowing softly in the dim light inside the cabin. He can’t wait to touch and his hands are on Philip’s skin, on Philip’s waist, on his back, and on his chest before he can stop himself. His eyes follow his hands, hungry; to look, to feel, to memorize; to keep forever…and that’s when he spots the bruise on Philip’s left side. It’s big and dark red, almost blue, like cherry wine, and he can see that it must really, really hurt.

-“Philip.” His voice is broken and almost lost. His hand traces the outline of the bruise carefully, his other hand grabbing at Philip’s waist, hard. Lukas’ breath catches in his throat and anger rises within him, threatening to burst. It boils inside him, his brows furrowing and his grip on Philip tightening.

-“Lukas.” Philip looks at him with something similar to regret. -“I didn’t want you to see this. I – I forgot for a second…” Philip cups his face. “I’m never going back to him, Lukas. It’s over.”

-“Does he know that?” His anger hasn’t settled yet and his voice cracks.

-“I sent him a message this morning telling him I didn’t want to see him again. That yesterday at work was the last time. And then I got on the bus immediately. I couldn’t…I just…I’m a coward.” Philip looks down. -“I couldn’t tell him face to face because last time I tried…”

Lukas lifts Philip’s chin with his finger, locking eyes with him. -“Listen, you’re not a coward. That dude’s huge, and he’s – strong, you told me yourself. And look what he did to you! His boyfriend!” Lukas hugs him, stroking his back. -“He’ll never touch you again, I promise.” Lukas’ gaze doesn’t waver as they lock eyes again. Philip shivers in his arms and grabs at Lukas’ shirt, tugging at it to get it off him.

They clutch at each other, skin against skin and kiss feverishly, as if their lives depend on it. Philip ends up on his back, Lukas hovering protectively over him. He can feel his length hardening against Philip’s thigh, and for a moment he flushes red. He wants to put his hands on Philip everywhere, and he cups the bulge in Philip’s pants tugging a moan out of the other boy immediately. Yeah, Philip is hard too. The thought of that, of having the power to make Philip react to him like that is overwhelming. Philip looks up at him expectantly, his hands cupping the back of Lukas’ head, drawing him back in for another breathtaking kiss as their hips thrust against each other. 

Philip’s tongue is tracing hot patterns down Lukas’ neck. He gasps at the sensation and moves against Philip languidly. It’s so soft and wet. When Philip’s hot breath follows, Lukas trembles. If there’s a heaven on earth, this must be it. 

Lukas groans, his breathing getting heavier as Philip hitches his legs up around his hips. Lukas leans his forehead on Philip’s and they lock eyes. The fire between them is unbreakable. 

He thought sexy was Philip in a vintage leather jacket; or sitting in his lap, removing his shirt. He was wrong. 

Sexy is Philip’s legs circling around Lukas’ waist, holding on tight, cradling Lukas between them. 

Sexy is Philip moaning his name over and over, voice ragged, as he melts into the bed, pinned down by Lukas’ body. 

_Goddamn_. Sexy is Philip moving with him, thrusting against him, sucking at a particular sensitive spot on Lukas’ neck. 

Lukas sucks in return on Philip’s right nipple, his tongue swirling softly around it, and Philip throws his head back, letting out a cry. -“L-Lukas!” Lukas lets his teeth graze softly over the nipple and Philip gasps. The sound of it makes Lukas dizzy with want.

-“Philip,” Lukas whispers frantically. -“Philip, Philip, Philip.” Their thrusts are getting sloppy and Lukas silently curses the layers of clothes between them. He wants to be as close to Philip as he can, but it’s too late now. Philip is writhing under him, clinging to his shoulders as he comes, and that pushes Lukas too over the edge. A wave of warmth washes over him as he spills in his underwear, Philip still clutching hard at him, breathing heavily against his chest. Lukas has never felt more at home.

They hold each other for a long while, Lukas lying on his side with Philip in his arms, clinging to him, nuzzling into his neck. He could stay here forever with Philip like this, their skin touching and breaths mixing, Lukas’ hands in Philip’s hair. It’s even softer than he imagined.

Lukas sighs, feeling so much everything.

-


	6. Chapter 6

After a while, Lukas rises to hover over Philip as a light appears outside, slowly approaching the cabin.

-“Shit! It’s my dad!”

Lukas literally throws himself off the bed, tugging at Philip to get up. Philip is confused. So what if it’s Lukas’ dad?

-“What? Why -?”

-“Get under the bed! Get under the bed!” Lukas whispers nervously. “It’s not my dad…it’s…fuck! Come on, Philip!” He pushes Philip under the bed and his jacket with him. He can’t let the man outside see Philip. He can’t even show himself, he’s got to hide too.

When Philip is safely tucked under the bed, Lukas hides in the closet. The irony isn’t lost on him, but there’s no time for that now. Lukas can see through the doors, and the man who just parked a dirt bike outside is now entering the cabin. Lukas’ heart beats wildly in his chest, his stomach churning. It’s Julian. He recognizes him from the picture on Philip’s phone.

Lukas watches Julian walk around, noticing the burning fire, the bottle on the floor by the bed…Philip’s jacket that sticks out from under it – _fuck!_

Julian is about to bend down and tug at the jacket, when Lukas silently opens the door and grabs a frying pan sitting on top of the fridge, smashing it hard into the back of Julian’s head. The man falls forward, his consciousness lost, and Lukas shouts at Philip, trying to get him out from under the bed.

-“Come on, Philip! Come on, we gotta go!” He grabs their shirts, haphazardly thrown on the floor earlier, and moves to put on his own before helping Philip with his.

Philip is trembling so violently, Lukas has to circle an arm around him as they head for the door. Lukas hears a low groan coming from behind them and turns around, the frying pan still in his hand, and hits Julian over the head once again. 

-

They find themselves at the edge of a lake as it’s getting dark, after throwing themselves on the bike, literally burning the ground behind them as they fled. Lukas knows they can’t stay. Julian will follow their tracks in the snow when he wakes, but they had to go somewhere, and right now he doesn’t know what to do.

He’s pacing back and forth as Philip just stands there, trembling, whispering incoherently. When he gets to his senses, he sees that Philip needs him.

-“Philip”, his voice is raspy, broken. He wraps the other boy up in his arms and holds him tight, forgetting about the bruise, forgetting everything but Philip here and now.

-“You,” Philip’s voice is barely audible. “You saved me. If you hadn’t…if you hadn’t…he had a knife…” Philip gasps. -“Lukas, he had a knife…”

Lukas never saw the knife and he freezes. This changes everything.

-“Philip,” he says firmly. -“We’re telling Helen.”

-“Wh – who’s Helen?” Philip’s voice shakes.

-“She’s the town sheriff and a badass. She’ll know how to handle him.”

-“H-have you seen Julian? He’s…he’s not gonna be easy to handle.”

-“Doesn’t matter. Helen has Tony. He’s got her back.” Lukas grabs his phone and calls the sheriff’s office immediately. They can’t afford to wait. 

-“Sheriff Torrance – Helen, “ Lukas’ voice wavers slightly as she answers the phone. –“I-it’s Lukas. Uh. Waldenbeck. We have an emergency.”

-“Lukas,” the sheriffs voice answers over the phone. –“Tell me, how can I be of help. Is it your dad? Did something happen?”

-“It’s not dad.” Lukas sighs and explains the situation, where they are now, where they were, who came into the cabin wanting to do damage – what Lukas had to do. He doesn’t say anything about what happened between him and Philip. It’s not her business.

-“Lukas, I want you two to continue up to the Olson’s cabin and lock yourselves inside. You know where they keep the key, right?” Lukas knows it’s under the door mat, because that’s where they keep their own cabin key. It’s just a shabby old cabin after all, not a mansion. -“I’ll send Tony up to fetch you guys and I’m gonna go get this other fella – Julian? He’s not gonna get far. Okay? Now – leave the bike and use your feet instead. It’ll slow Julian down too, if he wakes up before I get to him. It’ll confuse him. The Olson’s cabin isn’t too far away. Can you do this?”

-“Yeah, okay. We’ll do as you say. But…be careful. He – he has a knife.”

-“And I have the badge and a gun, Lukas. It’s gonna be fine. Now, hurry up before it’s too late. Tony’s on his way already.” 

-

It doesn’t take them long to reach the Olson’s cabin. Lukas knows his way around the land; this is his father’s hunting field. He doesn’t feel too great being the hunted this time, though.

They lock themselves inside, deliberately not lighting any fires. Lukas knows this cabin too and reaches for the flashlight lying on a shelf above the sink. This cabin is larger than the Waldenbeck’s, with a bedroom in the back and a tiny bathroom.

Lukas knows Julian won’t find them immediately. He might think they ran down to the farm after leaving the bike by the lake. The boys left confusing tracks to fool him into believing they took another path. Lukas hopes it works.

Philip is still shivering, and Lukas draws him into the tiny bathroom first to clean up their sticky mess, and then into the bedroom and under the covers of the bed where he dares lighting the flashlight, just to see Philip’s face in the dark. They’re both cold and trembling, and they hold on to each other to try to keep warm. Philip has tears in his eyes; to him it’s unbelievable the way Julian chose to handle his own jealousy. Lukas thinks this is the stuff you read about in the news; not something you’re supposed to experience first hand. It’s terrifying.

They lie there for what feels like hours, but it turns out it’s only about fifty minutes before Tony comes knocking at the door, his own flashlight and a gun in his hands. Lukas feels safer immediately, and Philip too apparently. He seems calm, an occasional shiver shaking his body now and then, as he clings to Lukas.

Tony watches them carefully as they head for the truck, a questioning look on his face, but he keeps any comments to himself. Lukas helps Philip into the back seat and sits down beside him, really close. He can’t hold him in his arms as they have to put on seat belts, but they can still hold hands.

Tony shakes his head and moves to the driver’s seat.

-“Uh…how, uh…where - where’s Julian now? Did Helen arrest him?” Lukas is still a little wary and Philip freezes at the question.

-“Don’t worry. Helen has everything under control. She just called and told me to drive you guys to her place. You’re gonna stay there until tomorrow.” _Or until Julian’s apprehended_ , goes unsaid.

-“You know Gabe Caldwell, right?” Tony asks, a calming tone in his voice. He notices that Philip is very quiet. Lukas squeezes Philip’s hand reassuringly.

-“Yeah, I know him. He’s been around the farm a few times, looking after the turkeys and the horses. He’s cool.”

-“That’s good,” Tony replies. -“He’ll be there when you arrive, and he’s in charge of calling your dad to update him.” Tony looks at Philip in the rearview mirror. -“Philip, is there anyone we can call for you?”

Philip clears his throat. -“ M-my mom, but…uh, I’ll call her myself so she doesn’t get – scared.”

-“Okay, you can do that.” Tony takes a left and they can see the lights of the Waldenbeck main house in the distance as they pass the road leading up to it. They continue down the road to Tivoli, but Lukas knows they’ll only go half way, until they reach the Caldwell farm. -“But Philip – Helen will have to call her tomorrow. You’ll have to give a statement before you can leave. You too, Lukas.”

The boys look at each other but don’t say a word. Lukas sighs. He’ll have to give many statements to several people, he thinks. His dad needs an explanation for why he’s in this situation when he should’ve been at home feeling sick, like he told him this morning. Rose needs to know that they aren’t together anymore because they can’t be; Lukas doesn’t belong with her, he belongs with Philip. And the world apparently needs to know that Lukas doesn’t like girls; he likes boys, and Philip in particular. Better to just come out with it and don’t hide it. He could never hurt Philip that way, keeping him like a dirty little secret.

Philip is very quiet the rest of the ride and Lukas keeps his mouth shut too. They’re both overwhelmed by what happened. The contrast between Julian stalking them, trying to wreak havoc in their lives, and the previously tender and passionate moments they shared together, is grim. They need time to process; to comfort each other. 

-

When they arrive at the Caldwell farm, Gabe is there to greet them, his calm manner soothing. He offers them food and a hot shower without any questions. They both hit the shower immediately, Philip upstairs and Lukas in a spare bathroom downstairs. Lukas can’t even begin to describe to himself how amazing that feels, hot water streaming down his shivering body, knowing that Philip will be there when he’s done; that they’re safe. Julian doesn’t know where they are.

They both get to borrow a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt each, and they sit by the kitchen table holding hands in a comfortable silence. There’s a Christmas tree in the living room, and the glowing lights through the door frame makes for a cozy and warm atmosphere. Gabe doesn’t mind them holding hands, so it has to be okay, _right?_ Lukas can’t help but be grateful he doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone tonight.

-“Lukas,” Gabe says, as they prepare to leave the table. Gabe’s made sandwiches and hot cocoa and both boys eat, but Philip leaves half his sandwich on his plate. Lukas wonders if he can have it, but he dares not ask. He’s still so goddamn hungry. Philip is still very quiet. -“Lukas,” Gabe’s voice again.

-“Huh?” Lukas turns his attention from the sandwich on Philip’s plate and Philip’s warm hand in his, to Gabe’s understanding face.

-“I called your dad while you were in the shower. He’s…upset about what happened to you guys. He’ll come over tomorrow morning and we’ll talk about everything.” Lukas turns pale. -“Son, are you okay?”

Lukas can feel both Philip’s and Gabe’s eyes on him, his body turning hot and cold at the thought of explaining things to his dad; things they’ve never really talked about. Things his dad got totally wrong, and now Lukas has to reveal everything. His feelings for Philip. His lack of feelings for Rose. How he tried to protect Philip from a jealous boyfriend, and how this all went down in the Waldenbeck cabin. A shiver runs through him, but Philip’s hand still in his centers him again. Philip is important to him. In fact, he’s the only one that matters.

-“I…I’m fine. I just…There’s so much – to say. I don’t know if I – if I’m ready. But I’ll try. I’ll do my best.” He looks Philip straight in the eyes. -“I’ll do it for you,” he whispers.

Philip sighs and hugs him tight. -“Lukas,” he whispers back. -“Thank you.” They lean against each other, their foreheads touching, and Gabe smiles at them.

-“If it’s any help, I’ll be there,” he says calmly. And it is; a big help. Lukas feels better already. -“Now I think it’s time you boys go to sleep. You got a long day ahead of you tomorrow.” Gabe stands and starts clearing the table. -“Lukas, you’ll stay in the bedroom down here, and Philip – I’ve prepared a bed for you upstairs.”

-“Please.” Philip’s voice is pleading. –“I – I – Lukas?”

-“Mister Caldwell…uh, Gabe.” Lukas blushes. -“Would – would you mind if we – if we – like, slept in the same bed? Philip can’t be alone tonight. Julian tried to – to hurt him, again. I can’t – I can’t…” Lukas stutters and stutters and he’s so nervous but he’s not backing down. -“We just won’t do very well on our own right now.” He can’t leave Philip. They have to stay together. They need each other to keep calm.

Gabe steps forward and lays a hand on each of their shoulders. -“Okay. It’s fine. You can do that. Everything’s gonna be alright. You can both sleep upstairs. Okay, Philip?”

-“Th-thank you, mister Caldwell.” Philip clutches at Lukas and looks down, apparently a little embarrassed. Lukas squeezes him tight and they head for the stairs.

-“Goodnight, boys. Sleep well. You’re safe here.” 

-

The bedroom is cozy and small, with a single large bed, just big enough for the two of them to lie close to each other. There’s a lamp on the nightstand and fairy lights on the wall, giving off a soft glow. They get under the covers immediately, snuggling together face to face. They hold hands as they gaze at each other, Lukas running his fingers through Philip’s hair in a soothing manner.

-“You’re safe now, Philip,” he whispers quietly. -“Did you call your mom?”

-“Yeah. You were still in the shower when I did.”

-“How…what did she say?”

-“She got scared, but I told her about Helen and Gabe and Tony – and you. How you saved me,” Philip replies, a shy smile on his lips. -“She’ll probably kiss the ground you walk on when she sees you.”

-“When she sees me?”

-“Yeah, she’s coming up to Tivoli in the morning too. Gabe gave her directions. She’ll be here for the Big Talk.” Philip hesitates. -“We’ll…we’ll probably head home right after I give my statement.”

Lukas tightens his grip on Philip, cupping the back of his head in his hand. He doesn’t want him to leave. Can’t believe tomorrow is a school day. Luckily, they don’t have to go. Lukas wouldn’t have handled it very well, not being close to Philip so soon after what happened tonight. His forehead leans against Philip’s. He can’t imagine tearing himself away from Philip’s touch, from the fire they create between them.

Lukas leans in and kisses Philip with passion, his tongue licking into Philip’s mouth, but careful not to hurt him in any way. The taste of him, so sweet. Philip responds with intensity, clutching at him forcefully, holding him so tight. He can feel Philip’s fingers skimming the edge of his sweatpants, fire coursing through his veins.

This is how he always wanted it to be with Rose, but it never was. This is way beyond anything he ever imagined.

It’s starting to get hot under the covers and Lukas tugs at his own sweatpants to get them off. He removes his t-shirt just the same and watches Philip as he undresses too, until they’re both in their boxer briefs, staring, drinking in the sight of each other. It still hurts to see the bruise on Philip’s skin, but he’s so insanely gorgeous just lying there, his arms stretched out towards Lukas, want in his beautiful eyes.

-“Philip.” Lukas whispers his name like it’s the answer to everything he ever wished for. They grab and touch and hold so tight, and before they even notice their underwear is off too, and they’re so close, so close. Moans and groans spill out of their mouths incessantly as they move together in perfect harmony with each other, their lengths rubbing together, creating the most insane, amazing feeling Lukas has ever experienced. The world fades away and there’s nothing but Philip, Philip, Philip. The smoothness of his skin; the passion in his kisses; the intensity with which he moves and writhes under him. The sound of Lukas’ name from his kiss bruised lips. The taste of him on Lukas’ tongue. The way Philip’s hands tug at Lukas’ hair.

Lukas could go on forever, noticing every little thing about Philip as they rock together, chasing the ultimate sensation of being one with each other. Everything is so new to Lukas, still; he’s afraid of it ending too soon; can’t imagine not being this close to Philip always. He needs him to be able to breathe, to stay alive; to be Lukas. The one he was always meant to be.

Lukas tries to stave off his orgasm as long as he can; he really wants Philip to come first, to see the beauty of his gorgeous face as he spills. He’s memorized every move, every touch already. 

Philip stills in his arms, clutching at him hard, his beautiful eyes widening. He comes first, a blissful look on his face, Lukas’ name on his lips, and Lukas can’t hold back anymore. He spills on Philip’s stomach, his forehead leaning on his, their eyes locked. 

_Did Lukas even exist before Philip?_

He tries to even out his breathing as his body turns to jelly and melts into the sticky mess on the boy under him. He’s careful not to lie on Philip’s left side. Instead he lets Philip curl into him, and holds him tight.

-“You can’t leave me,” he whispers, and regrets it immediately. _He’s not Julian_. -“I – I mean, I’m not leaving you. We’ll figure things out. New York isn’t too far away. If – if you want me.”

-“You’re ridiculous,” Philip smiles lazily and snuggles into his neck. -“You think I don’t want you?”

-“Well, I mean – I’m just a farm boy who loves to ride a stupid dirt bike and get you into trouble.” Lukas huffs. -“What do I know about what you city folks want?”

Philip snorts with laughter. -“I just wanna see your beautiful face every day from now on, you think you can manage that?”

-“Wait – you think I’m beautiful? Oh my!” Lukas pokes Philip who dissolves into a fit of laughter, beaming at him. It’s the first time Lukas hears him laugh for real, sees the joy and happiness in his eyes because of him, because of Lukas. He’s so enraptured by the sight, he goes quiet and just stares. Philip is all tousled hair and kiss swollen lips, his body marked by Lukas’ hands and mouth, a sticky mess still on his stomach and the damn bruise stinging Lukas’ eyes. Lukas loves everything about him.

Eventually, they fall asleep in each other’s arms, forgetting to clean up, because cleaning up means they have to leave the warm, fuzzy cocoon they’re in, means they have to separate, and that’s just not an option.

-


	7. Chapter 7

They wake up by a knock on the door, Gabe sticking his head into the room.

-“Boys, you should get up now, it’s almost nine,” he smiles at them. “There’s breakfast on the table and you can have a shower first if you want to.”

Gabe leaves and they look at each other for the first time that morning. Philip’s hair is a mess, glued to his head on one side, sticking out on the other. His eyes are hooded, and his lips dry and bruised, and he’s more beautiful than anything Lukas has ever seen.

They head for the bathroom together, holding hands, because they can’t not.

Taking a shower together, that’s a new experience for both of them. They wash each other’s hair and back and maybe they stay under the pouring water a little longer than they should, hands caressing wet, smooth skin; lips touching, biting at each other; tongues brushing softly. Lukas will never get over the firm softness that is Philip.

Eventually they get out of the shower and get dressed. Going down to meet Gabe, Helen and everyone who wants to talk to them, to ask questions, is like leaving their own little private universe behind. They were safe there. What lies ahead is unclear.

-

There’s no one but Gabe in the kitchen, and a table full of food; sandwiches, pancakes, fruit, a coffee pot and mugs with hot chocolate. There’s even a Christmas bundt cake. Lukas is really hungry, despite his churning stomach. He knows he’ll have to explain himself to his dad, and it terrifies him.

They eat in silence, and this time Philip fills his plate and eats everything on it. He smiles at Lukas, confident things will be alright. He doesn’t know the patronizing stubbornness that is Bo Waldenbeck.

When they’re all full and prepare to leave the table, Gabe clears his throat.

-“Lukas, your dad will be here any minute now. Philip, your mom isn’t far behind.” He lets out a breath. -“Are you guys okay?”

They both nod at him.

-“Yes, mister Caldwell. Thanks for breakfast, it was really good.” Philip smiles at him.

-“It’s Gabe,” he smiles back. –“You seem calm now Philip; how are you feeling?”

-“I uh – I’m good. I think it helped being with Lukas last night. I-I mean – “ he stutters embarrassed, -“I mean, that we were together, i-in the same room.”

-“Philip, Lukas.” Gabe looks at them, locks eyes with each of them in turn. –“I know you’re together, you’re boyfriends, right? That’s perfectly okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Philip and Lukas look at each other, their eyes wide and mouths open. Then Philip smirks at Lukas.

-“You’re my boyfriend, huh?”

-“Uh, yeah. Guess I am.” He’s grinning so hard his cheeks are gonna split if he doesn’t stop.

They can hear a car pulling up outside, Philip squeezing Lukas’ hand tight, and then a few moments later, Bo Waldenbeck charges through the door.

-“Lukas!” He stops in his tracks at the sight of his son holding hands with another boy, a stranger he knows nothing about. -“What’s going on? Are you alright? What’s this about?” Apparently neither Tony nor Gabe has filled him in on the details.

-“Bo.” Gabe’s calming voice slices through the uncomfortable silence that follows Bo’s questions. -“This is Philip. Lukas and Philip have been through a lot last night, as you know. Philip’s mom will be here shortly. In the meantime, can I offer you some coffee?”

The silence is still awkward, but Bo nods, still staring at the boys’ hands. Gabe pats him on the back, nodding at the boys to make them leave the kitchen and settle in the living room, which they do without arguing.

Lukas finds a seat on the couch, tugging Philip down to sit close to him.

-“A-are you sure you want to do this – l-like this?” Philip asks, suddenly unsure about things between them.

-“Philip,” Lukas says, holding him close, nuzzling into his hair, kissing his forehead. –“I told you we were gonna figure things out. That I would do my best; for you. Remember?”

Philip kisses him then, cupping his face in his hand, and it’s all Lukas needs to continue breathing evenly when he hears his dad’s footsteps coming towards the living room. He keeps his mouth on Philip’s so there’s no doubt what this is all about, and maybe he won’t have to say much, just show him, his dad, that this is something right; that it isn’t wrong.

Bo coughs loudly at the sight in front of him, literally spitting coffee everywhere, his eyes going wide and his mouth hanging open. It’s not an expression Lukas thought he’d ever see on his dad’s face; surprise rather than anger. As if Lukas holding hands with Philip previously wasn’t proof enough of what’s going on. But he’ll take what he can get, because rejecting Philip, denouncing his own feelings, is not happening.

-“Dad.” Lukas’ voice doesn’t shake as much as it probably would’ve if he’d seen anger in his face. - “Philip…Philip is my-my boyfriend. We…uh – we’re together. Like – for real.”

Bo just stands there, incredulity on his face, before speaking up.

-“Is this – is this one of your phases? Like when you wouldn’t wear pants because you said they were itchy? Or-or – or that time you refused to eat the turkey on your plate?” Bo’s really confused, and his question seems legitimate albeit ridiculous, given the facts. Liking a person this way, the way he does, the way he likes Philip, could never be a phase. Feelings are never a phase. They might not last forever for some people, but for Lukas they’ll last an eternity.

-“Dad!” Lukas exclaims. -“It’s not a phase. My feelings are not a phase, Dad. It’s…it’s new to me, but it’s real and it’s true, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” He squeezes Philip’s hand in his, holding on tight.

Bo scratches his head. -“Well, son. That might be the case, but what about Rose? I’ve taught you to be loyal towards the people you love, and I know Rose is important to you.”

He totally forgot about Rose for a while. That much is true. But the fact that his father isn’t angry, isn’t even questioning that he likes a boy – it’s so much better than he thought this would be.

-“I promise I’ll settle things with Rose once we’re clear of this mess with Julian. I promise, Dad. She deserves the truth and I know it. I just – I had to figure things out for myself first. Okay?”

Bo sighs loudly. -“Is this why you’ve been wandering around like a zombie lately?”

Lukas flushes red. He can see Philip smiling secretly to himself, a smirk slowly emerging on his beautiful face. He shrugs.

-“Rose doesn’t know anything because I didn’t know much myself, until yesterday.” He pauses. -“You’re not mad at me?” he asks nervously, suddenly fearing the answer.

-“Son,” Bo sighs for the millionth time. -“I’m not mad at you for liking Philip. I am disappointed, however, by the fact that you chose to lie to me about where you were gonna be and what you were gonna do; like riding up to the cabin, alone, this time a year. Look how that turned out.” He leans against the door frame, scratching his head again. -“I’m also disappointed, as I’ve been for a while, about you forgetting your chores. And I got your report card for Christmas. It doesn’t look good, Lukas.”

Lukas feels like he might have been removed and replanted into another reality, because this isn’t the father he knows. He’s ecstatic about Bo not yelling at him for being different, for liking Philip. Everything else, he can handle. In three long steps, he stands before his dad, reaches for him and hugs him like he hasn’t done since he was a little kid. There’s tears in his eyes and he’s shaking, but not out of fear. He’s so grateful he feels like crying.

Bo hugs him back, surprise once again all over his face. He’s not really the hugging type, but he’s grateful too, that his son is alive and well and not harmed in any way.

-“Dad, I just wanna make you proud.”

-“Lukas…” Bo’s voice is full of regret. -“You do make me proud, son. I’m sorry I haven’t said it earlier. I’m proud of you. Especially the way you handled this situation with Philip. You’re doing great with the sponsors, even if you haven’t got any feedback yet. You’re learning. But we’re gonna have to talk about how you manage school and your work on the farm if you want to continue riding that bike.”

Lukas smiles and nods. -“Yeah, Dad. Sure. Whatever you say.”

-“I’m serious, Lukas. You can’t lie to me and expect me to trust you. When I came back yesterday, the turkeys hadn’t been fed since the day before. You forgot, again. That’s not good enough, Lukas.” Bo lets out a breath. -“Now, I know I’m not good at talking about this stuff you’ve been going through, but if you don’t try, you can’t expect me to understand what’s going on. And then shit like this happens. A stranger comes along and tries to attack you. You get that?”

-“Yes. Yes, Dad, I do. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just…I…Can we – can we talk about this later though? I think we have to deal with this matter with Julian first. Does anyone know where he is? Has he been arrested?” Lukas is back at holding hands with Philip. He’s not letting him go as long as that asshole is on the loose. 

-“Oh, Helen just called.” Gabe raises his hand clutching at his cell phone. He’s right behind Bo, and he’s heard every word exchanged between them. -“She said Julian was apprehended by the lake this morning. He’d passed out. Probably because you hit him pretty hard, Lukas. But he’ll be okay and he’s in custody now. He won’t be anywhere near you boys in a long time.”

-“Good,” Lukas nods. -“Because if he ever comes close to Philip again…”

-“That’s my boy.” Bo pats him on the shoulder. -“Now let me say hello to Philip, will ya?”

-

It doesn’t take long for Philip’s mom to arrive, and as he’d said the night before, she’s so grateful to Lukas she cries in his arms. She seems so fragile, delicate and thin, almost just skin and bones; and her love for Philip so obvious in the way she strokes his hair and holds him tight, that Lukas loves her instantly.

Helen shows up a while later, her mouth a thin line, her attitude firm and demanding, but not unkind. The boys go on to give their separate statements before she has to leave again, Tony coming to fetch her in the police truck they both sat in yesterday.

Yesterday was a long time ago.

-

Gabe somehow convinces Bo and Anne, Philip’s mom, to stay for dinner, and dinner is late because Helen is late; and so Philip and Anne have to stay for the night, Anne getting the down stairs bedroom. Lukas is reluctant to leave Philip, he fights hard and long to stay too and surprisingly accomplishes his goal. Which means he won’t have to go to school tomorrow either, he thinks. But that’s when Bo intervenes, claiming that if he doesn’t go, he will be grounded through the next three weekends. That settles it.

Philip and Anne will leave tomorrow too and it feels like the world is turning against Lukas again. It’s Christmas in like a week, and he can’t imagine not spending it with Philip. He holds him tight as they sit at the dinner table, no one making any comments about it. He can see Gabe from the corner of his eye holding Helen tight too, and she doesn’t mind, it seems. She might be a badass sheriff, but she’s pure fluff in Gabe’s proximity. He casts a glance at Gabe who meets his eyes with an understanding look. They smile at each other.

-“Babe,” Gabe says to Helen in a soft voice, locking eyes with her. -“It’ll be Christmas soon, and I think the boys would want to spend it together.” He strokes her arm calmly. -“Maybe we should invite Philip and Anne to stay with us during the holidays - ”

-“Yes!” Both boys exclaim at the same time, and everyone else laughs loudly. The Christmas spirit is strong around the dinner table, Lukas thinks and grins. He can already tell they’ll get what they want. There’s only one more thing he’s got to do before he can say that he’s done for the night.

-“Dad,” he says, turning to Bo. -“Dad, I have to talk to Rose. Can I be excused?”

-“Lukas, it’s eight thirty and pitch black outside. You really wanna leave now? Have you seen the weather? You won’t get anywhere with or without your bike.”

-“Can you, like – take me, in your truck? And then back again? Before you go home?”

-“Lukas,” Bo says, exasperated.

-“Tony can take him,” Helen says without hesitation. -“He’s got nothing else to do now that Julian’s behind bars. Let me call him.” She picks up her phone and makes the call, and before he knows it he’s back in the police truck, Philip by his side, their fingers intertwined, because they just can’t be apart until they really have to; like tomorrow. He can’t think about that now, it’ll tear him apart. It’s all about Rose now.

Tony pulls to a stop in front of the Higgins' home, just fifteen minutes from the Caldwell farm. He’s shaking his head as Lukas exits the car, turning to Philip and looking at him incredulously.

-“So what’s up with you and loverboy over there? Is it you or Rose, or is he courting both?”

Philip just laughs at him and Lukas can’t help but laugh a little too. Loverboy, huh? Right now he feels like the bad boy of a romantic novel, preparing to hurt the heroine.

He rings the bell at the door and waits for a while before someone opens it. Shit, it’s Mrs. Higgins. He was hoping it would be Rose and be done with everything quickly.

-“Ah, Lukas,” she says sarcastically. -“You leave my daughter in tears, you tell her you’ll make things up and then you never call back – and now you dare show up here?”

-“P-please, Mrs. Higgins,” Lukas pleads. -“C-can I talk to her? It’s important. I’ll explain everything.” He forgot Rose shares a lot with her mom; she’s not afraid of talking about her feelings, and Mrs. Higgins isn’t one to turn her daughter down.

-“Well you better come up with an excuse real quick, because she doesn’t wanna talk to you anymore.” Mrs. Higgins' voice is angry and resentful. -“I really thought you were one of the good guys, Lukas Waldenbeck. They way you treated her; not pressuring her into anything.” She sighs. -“I don’t understand. What happened?”

-“Mrs. Higgins, please? Can you make Rose come to the door, or can I come in real quick? Tony’s waiting for me…” he gestures backwards with his hand.

-“Tony? What - ?”

-“Mrs. Higgins! Please!”

-“Alright, alright. I’ll get her. Wait here.” She leaves and closes the door right in his face, and he just stands there, waiting for what seems like half an hour. It’s really just ten minutes or so, and then Rose shows up at the door in her pajamas, teary eyed, mad. Sad.

-“What.” She says, eyes cold and distant.

-“Rose,” Lukas begins. -“I…I know I’ve been ignoring you. That I’ve been distant. Not kept my promises.” He sighs. -“It wasn’t intentional. I…I had some things to figure out. Something happened. Something huge. I-I met someone…”

-“You met someone?! Another girl? Lukas – you expect me to stand here listening to you explaining how you ditched me for another girl while you ignored me?! What? What the fuck! No, Lukas! No!”

She’s about to slam the door in his face when he places his foot in the frame and holds back the door with his hand.

-“Rose, no. No! Listen to me. I - I - ”

-“What Lukas! What!?”

-“I’m gay.” He blurts it out and flushes red, not able to lock eyes with her for a while. Afraid she’ll look at him with disgust. Dear Rose, his best friend. The one who was always there when he needed her.

-“You…” She looks at him, incredulous. -“You’re gay?!”

-“Yeah, Rose. I’m gay.” He locks eyes with her now and sees her calm down, slowly, but still.

-“You’re gay.”

-“Yes.”

Rose shakes her head. -“Why the fuck didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t we talk about this?”

-“Rose…I didn’t wanna hurt you.” He sighs, drawing a hand threw his hair, starting to really feel the cold outside. -“I mean – I know I did anyway. Because this stuff – it’s – it’s personal, and private. And something I needed to figure out by myself first. It took me some time, probably shorter than it should because Philip - ”

-“Philip? Is that - ?”

-“Yeah.”

-“Oh.”

-“He’s in the car, waiting for me, so…”

-“He’s here? Well, go get him!”

-“What? No!”

-“Lukas – I deserve to know. To see who stole your heart over me. You fucking owe me.” Rose crosses her arms over her chest, her posture demanding and stern. Her eyes are launching fire at Lukas and he dares not deny her the peace of mind he really does owe her.

-“Okay. But – be nice to him, he’s been through a lot.”

-“What do you mean?”

-“That’s for another time, Rose. I’ll go get him.”

He runs back to the truck, opens the door and just sighs. -“Philip, would you – would you mind saying hello to Rose? She kinda wants to meet you.”

-“Okay,” he smiles at Lukas. -“Relax, Lukas. It’ll be fine.”

Tony’s just sitting there looking back at them, shaking his head. -“Some people get everything they want. Why can’t I get a girlfriend for once?” he mumbles under his breath.

Rose is still at the door, waiting. She straightens as she sees Philip, her anger turning into something else, into understanding. She lets out a breath.

They stand there, all three of them for a while, not saying a single word; Philip and Rose gazing at each other, Lukas watching them both.

-“I’m Rose,” Rose says, stretching out a hand towards Philip. It’s a peace offering and they all know it. Dear, sweet Rose.

-“Philip,” he smiles at her, shaking her hand. -“Nice to meet you, and, uh, I’m sorry it had to be this way.”

-“It’s…it’s okay. Now that I know why.” She glances at Lukas. -“I get it now. I do. But if you leave me out in the cold like that ever again, without talking to me – then we’re not friends anymore. You got that?”

Lukas is speechless. Rose just accepted him, accepted Philip, the whole fucking thing without questioning. She’s the best fucking friend he’s ever had and he tells her exactly that while he hugs her tight.

-“Tell your mom I’m sorry. Okay? We have to go now, Tony’s not the most patient of guys,” Lukas says as he hears the car horn honk twice. -“Or maybe he is, and he’s been really nice taking me here to see you, so we really have to go now. Bye, Rose. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

-“Okay. Bye, Philip. Will I be seeing you again soon?” She smiles at them both.

-“Yeah, I’ll be back in a week, just in time for Christmas,” he smiles back at her. -“Bye, Rose. It was really nice meeting you.”

-

They get back home to the Caldwell farm eventually and are immediately sent to bed. Anne’s already asleep and Bo has left, leaving Lukas’ backpack in the hallway. If nothing else he’ll be ready for school tomorrow at least. Lukas sighs.

They cuddle up in bed like they did last night and Lukas’ mind churns around the fact that he’ll be without Philip for a week and it feels like hell already. He wraps himself around Philip who snuggles even closer and they’re so tight there isn’t an inch of air between them. If it were possible to hold on tighter, he would. If it were possible to be one with Philip, he would be. Lukas just wants to crawl into him, melt into a puddle and be sucked up by Philip and stay there inside him forever, in warmth and happiness. Be one. Because how can they be two when they’re molded together like puzzle pieces shaped to fit perfectly into each other.

They’re kissing now, biting at each other’s lips, hands roaming the other’s body, mapping them out. Their underwear is lost somewhere on the floor, Lukas didn’t even notice when he took it off. One minute there were too many clothes, the next he was as close to Philip as he could ever be.

-“Lukas,” Philip moans into his mouth. –“D’you wannah?”

-“Wanna whah?” Lukas moans back as Philip swallows his words.

-“I – ah – I want you inside of me. I need you. Lukas.”

Lukas stops what he’s doing, licking up Philip’s neck, staring at him. -“Y-you want me inside you?”

-“Yeah. Lukas. I really do.”

-“Have you…have you ever done that before? Had someone inside you?”

-“No. You’ll be my first.” Philip smiles shyly at him.

Lukas’ breath catches. He’ll be the first. He’ll also be the last if he has any saying in it. He kisses Philip passionately for a while, then – 

-“H-how do we do this?”

-“I – uh, I need to prepare myself first.”

-“Prepare yourself?” This isn’t something Lukas knows anything about. He hasn’t had time to read up on sex with another guy. He never thought it would happen so fast.

-“See my bag over there?” Philip says, pointing to the bag he brought with him when he came to Tivoli the other day. -“Thank God Helen brought it here this morning.” He looks at Lukas through his eyelashes. –“There’s uh, there’s lube and condoms in there.”

Lukas looks at the bag like it’s the answer to all his prayers, and before Philip can even ask, he’s on his feet, searching the bag for what they need.

-“It’s in the side pocket,” Philip chuckles. -“You really want this too, huh?”

-“Uh – yeah?” Lukas shakes his head. -“What a dumb question, Philip.” He stands up, lube and condoms in hand, looking at Philip just lying there waiting; all tousled hair and raw lips. The most beautiful boy on the planet.

-“Then come back here.” Philip stretches his arms out to Lukas and Lukas has never been faster back to bed. The lube and condoms are lying on the nightstand when they cuddle up together again under the covers, Philip spreading his legs to fit Lukas between them.

-“What should I do now?” Lukas asks, a little impatient.

Philip smiles at him. -“Hold on.” He takes the lube and smears a good amount on his finger before pushing inside his hole. -“Shit, it’s cold.”

He pushes and presses, in and out, adding more lube and another finger while Lukas watches, mesmerized.

-“Here, let me do that,” Lukas says, grabbing the bottle of lube and pouring a good amount on two fingers. He hesitates just for a second as Philip removes his own fingers, but then he pushes in and – oh, the warmth; the stickiness. The softness of Philip’s insides. Lukas’ mouth drops and his eyes widen as Philip starts moaning again when he draws his fingers out and pushes inside again. After a while he adds another finger at Philip’s request, taking Philip’s throbbing dick in his hand, jerking him off, because he just can’t resist touching every part of him.

Philip moans and groans and writhes as Lukas hits a spot inside him, a spot Lukas never knew about before but which he’ll be chasing to reach all the time now. Philip writhing and moaning like that is the most beautiful thing in the world.

-“Fuck, Lukas,” Philip moans. -“I’m ready. I’m ready, Lukas. Come on.” He reaches for a condom, tears off the plastic around it with his teeth as Lukas watches, his breath hitching. Philip’s so damn sexy he thinks he might come here and now.

Philip grabs Lukas’ dick and puts the condom on him, jerking his hand once, twice, before Lukas stops him.

-“It needs lube,” Philip says. -“Lots of lube.”

-“Okay,” Lukas breathes through gritted teeth. It’s hard holding back, when all he wants is to dive into the warm softness that is Philip.

Lukas pours lube on his throbbing dick, smearing it out before positioning himself. He really doesn’t know how this is gonna go, but he wants it so bad. So fucking bad his stomach hurts. He can feel Philip’s hands on his ass, pushing him closer, so he pushes inside him, slowly. There’s a little resistance to begin with, but then it’s suddenly easier and he bottoms out. 

_Oh God_.

-“Oh god, oh God, oh God,” Lukas chants, throwing his head back. This can’t be. It’s too perfect. He can’t move, just wants to stay there the rest of his life.

-“Lukas,” Philip breathes after a little while. -“Move, please move. Slowly though.”

Lukas starts moving, locking eyes with Philip as he thrusts, in and out, slowly, Philip’s legs hitched up on his hips. The angle is perfect because before too long, Lukas hits that special spot inside of Philip again, and Philip cries out, muffling his voice by biting down on Lukas’ neck.

Lukas can’t hold back anymore, it’s too much, too good, so wonderful he thinks he might explode. His pace fastens, becomes relentless, Philip holding on for dear life, chanting his name again and again and again. Hearing it like that, all fucked out, makes something inside Lukas turn and tear open. He leans his forehead on Philip’s, locks eyes with him, as his pace slows down just a little; just so he can kiss him, his tongue caressing the inside of Philip’s mouth, his hands holding Philip tight around his head feeling the softness of his hair…Jesus, everything about Philip is so soft and firm at the same time; the perfect balance. Philip curves into him as if he was made to fit him perfectly. Lukas loves it so much, his heart is about to burst. Philip’s hands are all over him; his hair, his back, his ass. God, it feels good.

-“Lukas,” Philip’s voice shakes, whispering. -“I’m gonna come. Aah – Lukas. Lukas, Lukas.” Philip’s mouth drops open and his eyes go blank. Philip spills on his own stomach as Lukas watches, his breath catching in his throat. _He did that_. He did that to Philip; made him come while Lukas was inside of him, _fucked_ him. It throws Lukas over the edge faster than he’s prepared for. He cries out as he comes, sobbing Philip’s name over and over.

-“Aaah, Philip! Philip, Philip, I love you, Philip.”

Philip catches him as he falls down onto him, careful not to hurt him, the bruise still so visible on his smooth skin.

They’re drenched in sweat and come, but neither of them can move, not even if they tried. Glued together, Philip running his hands through Lukas’ hair, he whispers into his ear.

-“I love you too, Lukas. I love you so much.”

Lukas hugs him then; hugs him so, so tight before slipping out of him, the condom filled with his come. He gets rid of it by tossing it in the bin by the nightstand and lies down again.

-“I can’t wait for next week. For Christmas. For you coming back here.” They lie side by side, their eyes locked, holding hands.

-“It’s gonna be a long week,” Philip sighs. -“But we’ll manage. We’re together now.” He pokes Lukas, smirking. -“You’re my boyfriend. We’re never leaving each other. We’ll figure things out.”

-“Yes, Philip. We will. I’m never letting my boyfriend down. Never gonna let anyone hurt you again either.” 

They snuggle closer, and before long they fall asleep in each other’s arms, knowing that they’re safe with each other. Philip’s bruise will heal eventually and this whole thing with Julian will be a thing of the past. His dad is still as stubborn as always, but not as uptight and old-fashioned as Lukas thought he’d be. Rose will be fine and they’re still friends. It doesn’t matter then, what other people think of him being gay. He won’t stay in Tivoli forever. 

Christmas is around the corner and everything is well. Peace on earth and all that shit. But above all, there’s peace in Lukas’ heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year, and if I could make a wish for christmas, it would be you writing another philkas fic :D
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT 2  
> I've tried to make this look better now, and I'm hoping everyone who reads it finds something in it that make you wanna say something about it. I'm constantly learning how to use new expressions and terms I wasn't too familiar with before I started writing in this fandom. I'm heavily inspired by my favorite writers, whom I hope will also take the time to read and comment.  
> For what it's worth: kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. It makes me wanna continue writing. If you wanna point out any errors to me, I'd be grateful, so that I can fix them.


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